Are Boys Treated Differently When It Comes to Their Emotional Needs?

Traditionally, boys and girls have been raised by certain set standards, standards that have been consistent with the prevailing beliefs of who each gender were perceived to be. This perception involved how these roles in fulfilled society’s needs as well as the perception ofwhoshould meet them and howthey should be met. For example, in a world where choices were determined by who was the strongest and not necessarily by who was more capable (and even what capability meant), the outcome was determined by the genetics of who was physically more influential and how they used that power. This power had its positives and negatives and fit the limited thinking of the culture. In the evolution of thought and human awareness, power became redefined and shifts began to take place. People who had lived in roles that had been clear had to struggle to find their place in a less defined world.

Confusion existed with regard to who a man was. Was he defined by his old roles as bread winner/hunter-gatherer or could he also be nurturer/protector? A less-defined world can mean a new freedom to choose and expand who one is. Some men can adapt while others are unable for a variety of reasons. There are men who want to change and try, but are frustrated by inner conflicts that they are unaware of, but which continue to persist in their psyches. There are personal conflicts and conflicts that generate from a societal treatment of men that go mostly unnoticed. For example, from infancywhen the separation process occurs between mother and child, boys are treated differently than girls. Social assumptions about boys having independent natures leads to the expectation of them being more self-reliant. But their emotional need for nurturance is ignored, leaving them with feelings of isolation and even despair. This vulnerability goes unnoticed and unattended, creating a sense of shame for having these dependency needs. He feels alone, helpless and fearful. He longs for this loving connection, but because of the shame, he winds up masking these emotions and carries this “wound” throughout his life. It stops him from being intimate, keeping him emotionally distant and unable to connect.

Boys need a chance to express these vulnerabilities- to be accepted and attended to. This begins to heal the old wounds and gives the boy/man an opportunity to integrate this part of his personality. He feels more whole and complete. It gives him a greater capacity to connect to others on a deeper level. We want to provide more opportunities for boys to express themselves, so they don’t have to hide their feelings of love and caring, but can be involved actively in its giving and receiving.

In providing the opportunity for a man to experience and express these sensitive emotions, he should be given room to create a safe space for himself to explore his feelings at his own pace. Creating a safe space reduces the threat of his shame being exposed too quickly. Connecting with him also reduces his isolation. It’s an important approach for both men and women.

Would love your comments….

Next blog: Taking care of Boys